By Tony Sebastian who thinks the most stylish Malayalam actor of all time is "A la mode-an "

When my Dad decided to repaint our house earlier this year, he chose a colour that was like a siren. I don't mean a seductive woman who can knock you off your feet with one look, I mean the kind of siren your mom uses to wake you up when it's time for church if you (fake) sleep like me. Very loud. Very unpleasant. This was the kind of colour that circus clowns would think twice about when choosing their attire.

If you decide to put a very jarring violet on your house and walls, you had better have a good reason for it. So upon seeing my home in this condition for the first time and after identifying which the earth was and which my jaw, I collected the latter and put it in its proper place - it is essential to have one's jaws in the right place when one wants to articulate - and said "What in the world happened to our house?" And mom replied "You look thinner, don't you eat anything at all?"

After surviving the initial shock I managed to regain my calm - my upper lip was stiff, not just because I fell flat on my face. My dad is a man of great wisdom. His genius is unsurpassed in all of God's own country and elsewhere (Not really but he does read my blog and I do want to go back home and taste mom's chicken.). There had to be a purpose behind this chromatic crime, one that eluded my eyes. I was blinded by my short-sight (and also by the colour of the wall).

"Dad" I asked "why did you choose this colour?"

"What do you mean why? It looks good."

"Um... so there is no purpose behind this chromatic crime, one that eludes my eyes?"

"What?"

"I am not blinded by my short sight?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You actually chose this colour because it "looks good"?"

"Yes"

"Looks good?"

"Yes"

"Looks?"

"Yes"

"Good?"

"Yes"

"Oh"

"It's awesome. Most people who come home now are rendered speechless by it."

"I am sure. So you picked it out on your own?"

"No our contractor suggested it. It's called violet rage"

"Violent rage?"

"Violet rage"

"Let me guess, you asked him what the latest rage was?"

"Yes how did you know?"

"Vague guess. Are you sure he understood what you meant?"

"...."

"So this "colour" is purely because you think it looks good? Sure? Or did you want to make our house the second man-made structure, visible from the moon?"

We Kochukudys - Wait. I see that some of you are thinking up wisecracks along the lines of Kochu-Kudy and Small Drinkers, before I continue I'd like to dampen your spirits by pointing out that my classmates in IInd grade came up with that joke. This in turn led to the axing of my lineage from my name. This may seem shocking to most of us in this generation, but there actually existed a time when the single most important criterion for naming your kid was not the availability of a GMail id in his/her full name. I, unlike a lot of you lucky ones out there, am a self made man - while the Shashi Tharoors and Manoj Night Shyamalans got there without doing anything, I had to earn my name's Search Engine Optimisation.

Where were we? Ah yes. We Kochukudys may be a lot of things, but fashionable is not one of them. Among the adjectives which people use to describe me, stylish would rank in the lowest tier, sandwiched between neat and vegetarian (This might be the only time I have used vegetarian and sandwich in the same sentence. My stomach has excused me only because it thinks neat was a typo of meat). As my friends will readily agree "Tony" is one of the most ironic names I could have been given.

Right from the time I was in school, I have always been ridiculed for my choice of clothes - my white shirt with frills which I wore for my holy communion, my colourful, very pleasing to the eye shirt, my soft coloured T shirt which my friends alleged was pink in colour, my trendy Kurta upon wearing which my cousins nicknamed me Mallika Sherawat, my hairstyle and anything remotely related to fashion. I was late to sprout facial hair, so after repeatedly chanting the Lord's prayer modified thus "Give us this day our daily beard.." I finally got it and then people started laughing at my experiments with that too. Over the years the surest way for a person to decide between two sets of clothes has been to ask me which one I like and then pick the other. You will understand how bad my fashion sense is when I tell you that I was ridiculed even in Andhra Pradesh - Tollywoodland for crying out loud!

Imagine my surprise then, when I got this mail from the Spring Spree core committee "Spring spree brings you the glam, panache and vogue with Allure '10. Some couture, a dash of fashion, a sprinkle of glamour and a dose of avant garde, NITW's Annual Fashion Competition comes your way, a smidgen of everything and a mix of it all........... We request your esteemed presence for this function as one of the three guest judges....." My juniors had told me that they had some high profile professional team picking out judges for events, but little did I know that it would be the same team that picked the Nobel peace prize judging panel. I also hadn't realised until this point that the term arbiter was the comparative form of the college slang term arbit.

But that, as they say is how cookie crumbles. A Bihari villager ends up correcting your English board exam paper, Mayawati gets statues erected in her honour, Lalit Modi claims that a Twenty20 league is his brainchild, I judge fashion shows. So in case you are one of the hot girl participants preparing for this event, you know who you will have to sleep with look good in front of, to win this event. Do not hesitate to get in touch (heh) with me and seek suggestions. I may criticise you, I may give you a dressing down (heh heh), but remember it is all going to help you do well and win this event. And to you fashion foxes who hounded me to no end, I say ha! Bow down to your new God - The little master of the fashion world, - Such in Trendulkar.

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By Tony Sebastian who can't think of a witty by-line


Yes, people who are on Twitter do not have a life. More often than not, they also do not have friends. But I just love the way it works, instant karma at its very best. There is also the added advantage of finding and interacting with people in a way you would never have thought possible - Exchanging a volley of puns with Anand Ramachandran or getting a response to your tweets like this - rashmibansal: great.. I want to feature a Tony's word of the day on JAM homepage. What say?

Here are a few of my tweets from over the past few days. Hope some of them put a smile on your face.

Tony's Twisted Tech Term for Today - Tight Coupling: Drunken sex.

Eufeminism: A gentler way to tell women they suck.

Canonball: A blast (party) in the Vatican.

Me-me: A cultural pattern created by a Narcissist.

Foolproof: The percentage strength of alcohol that will make you act like an idiot.

Shoevinism : Fanatical support expressed by throwing footwear at someone.

Gramma' queen: Someone who makes a fuss when Queen's English is not used.

Tangenital: What happens when you sunbathe on a nude beach.

Yellow Pages (n): Where you can find important information, also called Post-it notes.

Stagnation : When population growth comes to a standstill because there are too many single men in the country.


When you alienate your girlfriend over tea, there will be flying saucers.

When you make out with your girlfriend in a stadium, you score.

When you beat a girl on online chess with your least powerful piece, you Pwn her.

When your girlfriend starts crying because you cheated on her, you give her a tissue of lies.



Yes, everyone knows it's "Maggi" and it takes two minutes. RT @flyyoufools See, that's why some people hate Twitter - "@CruciFire: Makng maggie wil b bck n a min"

Vi-MasOcH? RT@Vimoh I have this *strange* relationship with pain. I have come to appreciate it over time.


Q: What do you say when the Pillsbury mascot does something awesome? A: Atta boy! :-|

Why are mathematicians not considered a threat to the government?Because they attempt only pseudo coups.

The BJP and The Hindu's editor have a common thing at the top of their head - Ram Temple. :-|

A school friend just scrapped me saying "how are you...long tome... " Does he mean my writings are verbose? :(


A fur coat maker is a softwear engineer.

A marriage counsellor is a marital arts expert.

So it's Pi day today? What does that mean, you have a license to behave irrationally?

Just wondering, If people on Twitter are Tweeple, People on FB are FeeBle?

What will one write on the last Post it note? "Get more post it notes" ?

I'm not forgetful, you were just not that memorable.

People who misspell words are loosers.

Went for watchmen, didn't like it at all. My sentiments were echoed in the graffiti which appears in the movie "Who watches watchmen?"

Why do they call it waxing hair? Shouldn't it be waning hair? :-|

If it is called a pair of underwear and a pair of trousers, why is it not a pair of bra? Singular eh? ;)

You know it's summer when you gulp down two glasses of water back to back - after all one 'swallow' doesn't make a summer.

A company in recession is like a burning building. Only one thing can save both - Fire men.

Today (Maundy Thursday) @sidin 's meme will be endorsed by the catholic church. #confessionthursday

Hugh Hefner's joy-spreader for the season would be called a Teaser Bunny?

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You can follow me on twitter here.

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By Tony Sebastian who is a wannabe verbo-Nazi

I have been invited to write a pilot piece for an upcoming online mag (Holy Cow - The Moo Point). While they are still deciding how (or more likely whether) to put it up (or not), I thought I'd post it here. Please do read (and comment).
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SemAntics - I - The initial piece

I know the question on your lips - "What on earth is this guy doing here?". I will tell you all. The recession has hit us IT folk pretty bad. When you have to cough up from the coffer for a coffee that used to be cost-free, your mind wanders wistfully every time you code a java bean. You venture into desperate measures to fill your cup of joy again. When Satyam fails, you have to lie to earn your free coffee. Now, that is something I am adept at. I am so good at lying that one time I didn't get up from the bed for a 24 hour period. Well that was a stretch.

So anyway I had my interview with the "Holy Cow" folk. It went something like this.

"So what do you bring to the table?"
"Um... columns?"
"Go on..."
"and when you refuse to pay up on time, I will bring up rows as well"
"Oh but we don't really pay our workers at the Holy Cow, we just have livestock options hahahahaha"
"Hay that was funny (LOL) Guess you will want me to pen(n) about milk huh?"

The rest, as they say, is hysteria. I've always believed that the people who bond fastest are the ones who frequently make bad puns. They are hated by almost everyone, and they are shunned by society. But they are needy and they think they are very clever.When two of them find each other, they go crazy and are hell bent on giving vent to the pent up puns.To cut a long story short, we fell in love with each other and we have a date once every week.

Since this is our first ever meeting, let me tell you a bit about this column. SemAntics will deal with a little bit of English and a whole lot of wordplay - A lot of cow fodder with a point here and there (A needle in a haystack, if I may say so). So without further ado, let's get started.

The initial post is in fact going to deal with initials. An initialism is a shortening of a set of words formed by using the first letter of each of the words. If you are saying WTF after you read that sentence, I think you've got the picture. Acronyms are also similar to initialisms - for example NATO is an acronym for North Atlantic Treaty Organization. In an initialism, you pronounce each of the letters separately (WTF = Double U- Tee- Ef), however an acronym is pronounced as a word itself (NATO = nay-toh - not to be confused with "nahi toh"). Sometimes, an acronym is written with only the first letter in capitals (Nato or Laser) but an initialism always has all letters in capitals (WTH). There is no standard way of pluralising an acronym or an initialism - some pluralise with an apostrophe, whereas others don't. Hence both FAQs and FAQ's are valid plurals for an FAQ.

I asked a friend of mine "Which came first the chicken or the egg?" She replied "I don't know but one of them must have been laid before the other". There are some acronyms where the chicken comes first and then its egg. A "backronym" is the term used for an acronym which comes first and then its expansion. A popular example would be Adidas - The term Adidas comes from Adolf (adi) Dassler, the company's founder. The "expansion" which some of us use came later. Hence adidas- All Day I Dream About Sports can be considered a backronym (sometimes also bacronym).

Initialisms are also used by poets - sometimes for effect and sometimes even for conveying hidden messages. A poem of this kind is called an acrostic. Usually in an acrostic, the first letter of each line when taken out forms a phrase or a message as desired. The Dutch national anthem Het Wilhelmus is an acrostic and spells out "WILLEM VAN NASSOV", in honour of William of Orange.

Initialisms / Expansions serve as mnemonic devices. We have all used "My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets" to remember the nine planets in the solar system. Initialisms are also used as a kind of clue in cryptic crosswords. In this case, "initially" or "at first" or "starts of" etc are used to indicate the use of an initialism. For example - Bovine cream overly whipped initially (3) would give COW.

On that note, having covered initialisms exhaustively (exhaustingly?) I bid you adieu with this question - What prayer song do cows love best? Answer - "Amazing Graze". Cheers.

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Advani to contest for the elite panel of umpires of the ICC
by Tony Sebastian who is very, very tired of seeing the same Advani ad on all blogs.

L.K Advani surprised everyone today by announcing at a press release here that he was not in the running for parliament but was actually contesting for a membership in the ICC's elite panel of umpires. "Ngyeah?" said a reporter taking the word right out of our mouth. "What did you think the promotion meant when it said "Advani for PM (Panel Member) " and "A leader who can make tough decisions"? I've always wanted to be a cricket umpire. " replied Advani. "But you do not know anything about umpiring!" Said another perplexed member of the press. "Why should that stop me? You think I know something about governance? " retorted LK effectively quashing all logical arguments. "We are going to build the Ram temple" He added, sending his supporters into a wild frenzy.




"I knew this was coming. This actually makes more sense. What is the point of advertising to be Prime Minister on every other blog when the blog reading crowd in India is less than 1% of its population? Besides how many of them would actually vote? If he is contesting to be an umpire however, he gets to impress cricket commentators and analysts and other informed decision makers" Said Aftab Khanna displaying his remarkable ability to foresee things after they have happened.

"I think this is a great idea. Isn't Advani the really fat guy who made that super cricketing song sometime back? Aa eh oh, eh oh ah! no? Oh then I have no opinion" Said a college going girl with red streaks in her hair identified only as 'Scarlet O'haira'. "Be abreast, your country needs more breasts" advised @bigfatphoenix, but the girl had already gone... with the wind.

"I wouldn't be surprised if he makes it, He is a tall man" Said Ravi Shastri using his permanent explanation for anything that happens and widening the spectrum of the amazing things tall men can do like bowl a bouncer, hit a six with ease, field well at the boundary, run well between wickets, peep into the answer sheet of the guy in front of you etc.

"Hmmm this should be interesting. #india09 #advani #indiavotes09 #cricket #icc #me #you #theentirehumanrace" said Nikhil Narayanan speaking in twitter-tongue and generally making a hash of things. "People who use hash are dopes" Said Jagdheesh Singaram returning to Royal Ramble after a long hiatus before returning to his ganja. "What withdrawal symptoms do dopers exhibit?... joint pain hehehehehe" he added ensuring that his presence was felt.

"I am stumped! I mean, he is definitely over-stepping the line. He needs to think it over. The only creases he is used to are the ones on his forehead. You get the pitch...er..." Said Chuck making full value of the limited space he received in the hope that people will be enticed into reading his blog.

"I am really irritated with the same "Advani for PM" ad on every other blog. It is seriously getting on my nerves. If I see it one more time, I am definitely getting myself registered and voting against him." said a frustrated netizen without realising that Advani was actually vying to be an umpire. "Well what do you expect? Advani anagrams to 'Vain Ad'. Always check for anagrams. Machi dum irukkaa?" Said Jagdheesh Singaram reappearing again in the hope that his witty anagram would fetch him a cigarette.

In unrelated news, Kunjunni of Std. III B has also decided to launch an advertising campaign on all blogs to find his rubber pencil. Royal Ramble wishes both of them all the very best.

Disclaimer: All the content in this post are part of the author's imagination and has nothing to do with the truth.

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by Tony Sebastian whose ability to screw up is dateless.

Hey, guess what I got a date!
For your GRE? when is it?
No not like that, I got a date!
I don't think I follow you.
I am meeting a girl for coffee - a date, quite the tiger I am no?
I'm not buying that. Maybe if you had said lion, there was much more of a chance. They are yummy no? Lion dates? Especially the seedless ones, I'd buy that any day. You should try them sometime. They are wonderful really. But wait, you were saying something? Ah yes, when is your GRE?
Eh? I'm not taking the test.
But you said you were! Started preparing and all? Maybe I should take it too, hey how is it structured? you know what is GRE's anatomy like?

I said I have a date.
Yes, for your GRE.
No, for Valentine's day.
Are you sure you didn't bump your head somewhere? you are talking rot.
I just realised it's not a big deal asking a girl out, the power was in my hands all along.
I think you just misinterpreted the term "date palm".
Haha very funny.
I hate it when people speak to me in italics. What's with the rightist leaning anyway? Blame those Advani ads on every blog.
Eh?
The italics.
Eh?
The slant.
Eh?

Never mind. Dude check it out, hot girl at 3 O clock.
Oh, I don't look at girls anymore, now that I have a date.
Eh? It's only a date!There are no string attached are there? What's with all the faithfulness?
It's called wireless fidelity ;)
It's a good thing you are not writing GRE. Anyway I have to push off now.
Whoa! Where are you going?

Sigh! I've to meet the Dean Of Student Affairs.
DOSA? whatever for?
That Anagha complained I was sitting idly.
What a chutney! She did the same thing when I did samba in class on a dare. She might have added some masala also to DOSA no?
Big time! I have it up ma @$$, I have to go have a chat with him now.
Good luck!
Why don't you come along? vada!
Thodi dher bath, I have a date remember?
Dude, I really don't think we should speak Hindi. Poori satyanash kar denge.
Yeah whatever that means LOL
Good luck with the date

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Hi does this top make me look fat?
No
Phew I was so worried
This one doesn't make you look as fat as the blue one.
huh?
Er.. I mean, you are fat no?
I am fat?
Not as fat as you will be when you are older :D
WHAT?
Er.. I mean you are wholesome, well rounded. Not fat. What am I saying?
Hmmm you didn't even wish me.
I did! I sent you a DM on twitter.
Well you didn't even say it.
Say what?
you know... 143
But Twitter has a character limit of 140!
You could at least have said IDIOT or something.
I should have called you an idiot?
No, you don't know what IDIOT means?
I think I do, do you?
IDIOT is I Do Ishq Only Tumse.
er... okay, you are an idiot!

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Hey how did it go?
Bad.
What happened?
She said I had big teeth and that was the best part of the date.
Eh? What is wrong with big teeth? Didn't you tell her it helps you with biting sarcasm? hehe
I don't know man, I guess her utopian tryst will be with a guy who has no teeth.
Eden-date? (or is it edentate?) hehe At least it was better than the previous time or the one before that.
Bah! I don't understand girls, they are odd.
I am sure the feeling is mutual, so you're even.
Sigh, thank God you are around.

I wonder what Freud would have made of us.
Sigmund Freud?
Yes.
If that creep had dated this girl previously, I would have had no problems.
According to Freud, Jack and the beanstalk is a metaphor for a boy's discovery of masturbation.
Wow what a pervert! Although that does seem like a wordplay possibility
Hey how about we name the virtual stock exchange "Jack and the B-stock"?
Nice! With the tag line "Are you the Jack of all trades" ?
Cool
Although with its uncertainties and suspense, it would be more apt to call it B. Stocker's Dracula or something.
Hmmmmm
Ditch all this. Game of Scrabble?
Sure! It's been such a long time!

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By Tony Sebastian


It was just a little over a month ago that Fernando Verdasco scripted one of the best sporting matches in history along with Rafael Nadal in the semi finals of the Australian open. That five setter which had all of us on the edge of our seats - that amazing spectacle which had all the elements of life in a 5 hour 14 minutes span is still etched in the minds of anyone who watched the match. But the name of Fernando Verdasco is not one that comes as easily to our lips as that of a certain Mr.Nadal who went on to win the title at Melbourne Park.

In fact, "Verdasco" would never have crossed the thoughts of someone who did not watch the match but merely saw the scoreboard and it is highly unlikely to do so for the rest of their lives. They wouldn't know of the effort, dedication and supreme sportsmanship he displayed to stretch the match to a world record length. The painful tale of how he fought off the angst of an injury and battled on with some powerful winners and serves only to ironically double-fault in the 10th game of the 5th set to concede the match (and quite possibly the Australian Open) to Nadal is one which has already been forgotten.

It is a weird world, the one which we inhabit. Completing two runs with a lunge for the crease when the throw comes in is dubbed "great running and tremendous athleticism". Being run out by an inch while attempting the same two runs is a "needless waste of a wicket". The margin of error is that slight - a thin line which separates the heroes and the villains. You set off for the second run because you are "confident" that you can make it. If you do make it, your confidence is lauded. If you don't, you are just stupid.

We've all had our share of close misses. But the bottom line is nobody cares, except yourself. I myself have rambled on for two years about CAT 2007 and how my score of 98.95 percentile was just short of IIM Calcutta's cut off of 98.96 percentile. How I missed out by 0.08 marks when the least count in CAT was 1 mark. But the way the world sees it, I am a person who didn't make it while others did. I can argue about how unfair that is, and how 0.01 percentile was not something that set me aside from the people who got calls. But I have found out that it is best to save my breath.

William Henry Davies in his poem, leisure, said "It is a queer life if full of care, we have no time to stand and stare". When the once considered soaring finance field crashes and burns consuming everything around it the very next day, you can take it for granted that life is certainly queer and people have no time to stand or stare, let alone sympathise with you. Fernando Verdasco may go on and win a grand slam in the future, but until that day he will remain in obscurity.After all, in the digital age if you are not the one you are a zero.

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by Tony Sebastian

I feel quite sorry for Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra. For someone who hates bollywood as much as I do, Delhi 6 was a welcome relief. Having been brought up on a steady diet of Sreenivasan at his satirical best, my movie appetite has long been starving for something like this which ROM dished out. The movie was entertaining, insightful, metaphorical and clever.

I am not here to review the movie. For one, I don't think I am qualified enough to do that and also Baradwaj Rangan has done a brilliant job of dissecting the movie here. Instead, I would like to put forth an analogy which will explain why I feel frustrated with people panning the movie...

I was pretty proud of the crossword which I had made. I was even gladder still that there were about 150 people gathered to solve it. I had taken great pains in ensuring that the clues were fair and clever. It had taken over three days to make the grid, but the effort was worth it. I handed out the sheets and the heads in the hall started bending down, I sat down with a contented smile on my face.

Five minutes later, I decided to walk around looking in to see how the solvers were doing. My heart sank when I saw people filling in "Guevara" for the clue "Does he instigate revolutions? (7)" I walked around and saw a few more of the same. The solvers had expected a quick crossword, I had prepared a cryptic crossword. They failed to see why "Does he instigate revolutions? (7)" would result in "SPINNER" or why that is beautiful. One by one, the people started leaving, they had had enough.

I think that in a nutshell sums up what happened with Delhi 6. He made a cryptic crossword, but the audience did not understand it. They were too used to the run-of-the-mill quick crossword and something as trivial as a symmetric grid was enough to win their appreciation. Anything smarter was given a miss.

If Delhi 6 is a cryptic crossword, its climax was the fit in clue - That one clue which you cannot frame properly. You don't really like it being part of the crossword, but you can't take it off since you need it to complete the grid. You hope that the solvers forgive you for that one clue because the rest of the crossword is good enough, and it is only fair that the one bad element is forgotten.

I realise that I sound extremely snobbish with that analogy, but I chose it only because it is one which I can relate to. I am sure this is how Vinu (my roomie and an ace musician) feels if he tries to explain to his musically dense friend (me) why a particular song is beautiful or Thomas (my other roomie) feels when I blink at him when he tells me how awesome his new graphics card is.

Delhi 6 was a perfect movie for the wrong audience. But I don't think the bollywood crowd is to be blamed. Malayalees eat beef because that is the way they have been brought up. The reason Delhi 6 is panned is because we are used to the senseless idiocy like "Singh is kinng" and "Om shanti om". I just hope that people like ROM don't feel disheartened and play to the galleries.

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